Today I am so excited to welcome Shelly Janac as a guest contributor to My Side of 50! You will recognize Shelly from most of the fashion round-ups I do.  I love her fashion sense and she has given this “matchy-matchy” girl the courage to try some pattern mixing in her style – something Shelly does so well. But on her blog, The Queen in Between, she blogs about so much more than fashion. She shares who she is, about her family, favorite things she likes and all the ups and downs of being a working mom to 2 adult children and 2 who are still at home. I so admire her wisdom and transparency. Read what Shelly has to say about the Top 10 Ways to Have a Great Relationship With Your Adult Children.

One thing drawing Cathy and I together is we both know all stages of motherhood come with their own set of opportunities and blessings. Just when you think the diapers and sleepless nights will never end you are on to play dates and homework and navigating all that comes with the rebellious teen years and next thing you know you wake up as the parent to adults. To be honest, I truly believed if I saw my kids through college without anyone arrested or pregnant I could give myself a big A+ on motherhood and check parenting off my list!

Wow, what a fool I was! Never in my wildest dreams would I have believed parenting adults would be some of the most heart-wrenching days of mom life. If you have some sweet children heading off into the unknown waters of adult life, here are a few tips for continuing to build relationships instead of building up walls.

1. Set a standing date! Whether they are busier than you ever imagined or floundering in adulthood, setting up a set date on the calendar will ensure you have time to catch up. My older daughter lives in the same town but we have a standing dinner date to catch up once a month where she has my undivided attention. My son plays minor league ball and we stay connected using Facetime when he is away. This is not only for you to listen but also for you to share what is happening in your life.
2. Be a true friend. Yes, you are still a parent first but as they move into adulthood if you really want to have a close relationship you need to treat them with the same respect you would a close friend. What does this mean? It means being honest and building trust. If your adult child shares personal feelings with you it is between the two of you only. Sometimes you may have to work on your poker face as the information may be, well, adult-like. It also means offering your opinion only when you are asked! Yikes, keeping my mouth shut is the very hardest.
3. Accept their dreams may not be your dreams. As a mom, we want to see them utilize their gifts to achieve the highest results. What I’ve learned is sometimes the dream I have for them may not help them grow in the same ways the dreams they have will. The biggest relationship builder is supporting their dreams and offering your guidance when asked.
4. Do not make assumptions! In this world where we are so connected with social media, it is easy to see a post on Snapchat and start dreaming up assumptions as to what may or may not be going on in their life. If they are constantly at the bar or always alone you can really start to create some not so pretty scenarios and, if I’m being honest, some big judgments. Scheduling one on one time together will give you the assurance you need as to their current state of mind.
5. Get on their level. Since we are talking about social media, it is their generations way of communicating. Even if you are not into Snaphat, Instagram or one of million other platforms, taking the initiative to communicate in the way they are comfortable can really help you feel some connection. My oldest son loves food and shares the meals he cooks almost every single night and my daughter loves sharing videos of her with her puppy all on Snapchat. I look forward to receiving these little bits of their life!
6. Support without coddling. What do I mean? Well, they are going to run into so many challenges from broken hearts to struggles in the workplace, to hard life lessons. Let them face the consequences of their own life. Drawing the line between supporting and guiding them as they work out a plan versus trying to take over and fix it all is so skinny. If it is a financial situation it can become even stickier. Just because you can bail them out doesn’t always mean you should.
7. Trust them to make good decisions. You have spent years instilling your values and beliefs In them. Now, you need to sit back and trust they know how to make good decisions. I worried far too much about my children repeating my mistakes. My mom is always quick to remind me they are not me. They have their own brains and they know right from wrong and if they find themselves choosing the wrong path see number 6!
8. Have your own life! Believe me, there is nothing lonelier than sitting around waiting for one of your adult children to want to hang out with you. I am still fun and interesting and FUN! There are still so many things I love doing that define me and it is also just an amazing time to remember all the things you enjoy. Giving your child a guilt trip for declining your invitation to hang out will do more to drive them away instead of drawing them closer.
9. Put yourself in their shoes. If you take a step back to your young adulthood you will probably remember as much as you may have loved your family they were not your top choice for social time. Depending on where they are on their journey they may need to spend time nurturing their own new family or they may be enjoying the social perks of being single. Try to see their current journey through their eyes instead of your own.
10. Pray for them! And for God to continue to give you the wisdom and words to support them. When they do ask for your advice and guidance you have to be willing to accept if they do not take it. Whether it’s a boyfriend you feel is not a healthy match or a career change that is risky, at the end of the day it is still their life. Accept they have the right to live it and then you pray. You may pray the truth is revealed to them or pray the right people are put in their path but think deeply about your prayer and be sure you are offering it for their best interest and not your own.

As a bonus, I would say love them unconditionally and remind them of this every chance you get! At the end of the day, you will always be their momma.

Have a Blessed Day,
Shelly

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What do you think of your child’s partner or spouse? Do you have a great relationship and love him like your own? Do you think being with her is the worst decision he ever made? Or is he ok, just not what you dreamed of for a son-in-law? Like it or not, when our kids grow up, THEY get to choose their partners – WE DON’T. So what do you do when you don’t like your child’s partner?

For the answer to that question – or at least some great insight, I’ve turned to one of my favorite authors, bloggers, podcasters and therapists, Dr. Margaret Rutherford. I listen to every episode of her podcast,      Self Work with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Her advice and insight are common sense, compassionate and always delivered with good humor. I highly recommend it!

When You Don’t Like Your Child’s Partner and Other Reasons Their Choice Hurts

by Dr. Margaret Rutherford

Your daughter, Alicia called you, out of the blue, six years ago.

“Mom, when I’m home next weekend, I have someone I want you and Dad to meet.”

Your heart turned over. You were so excited for her — she’d never brought anyone home before. You couldn’t wait until the weekend. Would he like you? Would you all get along?

That weekend came and went. Everyone met and was nice.

But you didn’t get that feeling you wanted. You didn’t have an immediate sense of, “I like this guy.” He treated Alicia well, but he was stand-offish with you. Or he drank too much. Or he picked his teeth with a toothpick after dinner.  Or… or… or…

There was something that made you uncomfortable.

Now it’s six years later. And they’re married. Alicia’s pregnant. And you realize you’ll spend birthdays, holidays and all kinds of time with him. You’ll share your daughter with him — maybe for the rest of your life.

You rationally realize he may have similar feelings about you. He may be disappointed in what’s happening, or not happening, as well. And Alicia? She’s aware. Things aren’t perfect. But she loves you both. So she’s stuck in the middle, trying to make the best of it.

So what do you do….?

1) …when your adult child chooses someone uncomfortable with closeness.

Maybe you’d always wanted a close relationship with your child’s partner. You imagined what your relationship with your son’s mate would be. She’d call you for ideas for his birthday or ask your advice on how to make the lasagna he likes so much. And that’s not happening. It’s okay to grieve that that fantasy won’t be happening, at least anytime soon.

She may have issues with trust or might have grown up in a family where closeness wasn’t the norm. She has to live this out longer, and begin to understand that there can be a benefit to close (but not too close) family ties. Experience with you can make a huge difference. You can give her the space she needs to begin to feel more comfortable. And hopefully, she’ll reach back.

Or perhaps she’s very close to her own parents and turns to them for many things. Trying to handle your own fears in this situation is difficult — almost as if being an in-law is a competition that you could lose.

The more you focus on your own relationship with her, and try not to compare, the better off you’ll be.

2) …when your new son or daughter-in-law has significant problems with responsibility or maturity.

You’d envisioned that once your adult child was married, a lot of the worry would be off of you as a parent. She’d have a partner — someone she could count on in diverse ways — financially, emotionally, as a co-parent or as a partner. But she chose someone who’s very emotionally immature, who’s never had a good job, or is struggling with an addiction. You don’t like that your child seems to be bearing a huge load in the relationship, and it’s difficult to contain your disappointment.

This is a tough one. Your adult child chose this person for a reason. You may not understand it. You may think the classic, “She’s not good enough for my son.” But your son chose her. You can work on accepting that and recognize your son’s responsibility for an apparently difficult choice. You can get out of the way, and allow the two of them to work it out.

3) Realize you may be grieving the loss of your own role with your now adult child.

It’s hard to move over, especially if you and your child have been close. Some of what you resent, or “don’t like” may be a sign of jealousy or resentment — and belongs more with you than with your child’s partner.

The work becomes finding things or experiences in your own life that you enjoy, whether that’s with your own partner or alone. It’s important to grieve that empty nest, move into the present, and not focus on the past or “what was.”

You can take responsibility for your own sadness, and look for new ways to connect with your adult child as well as her partner. You’ll enjoy the time when your child’s alone with you, but realize the reality of his life, how important his partner is to him, and focus on what’s possible and appropriate now.

4) … when you believe that your child is unhappy in his marriage.

You feel the strain between your son and his wife. You hear them bickering late at night when they come to visit. You want them to try to heal whatever hurts or resentments there are, and you don’t know how to help. You’re afraid the conflict between the two of them will affect your relationship with your grandchildren, if it goes too far.

There is very little you can do, except be supportive. What you can consider is this — if your son (or daughter) is talking to you about how unhappy they are, you can try very hard not to jump on the bandwagon and criticize their partner. Because he or she could change their feelings, and all of a sudden, you can become the bad guy.

It’s far better to listen, recommend they talk about their issues together, and support them in seeking counseling or help of some kind.

5) … when you suspect abuse.

This problem is far greater than arguing or occasional conflict. He’s isolating her from family. She talks about what he will or won’t “let me do.” She seems to not have as much confidence in herself. She has bruises and says they’re from a fall. She’s growing more nervous when everyone is together.

It’s often family members who love their daughter, niece or granddaughter who have to act when abuse becomes evident. The emotional damage done when someone abuses you is complicated — your self-esteem suffers greatly and you often feel to blame. That guilt can keep you in the situation. And you can fear reprisals if you leave.

Helping her come up with a plan for safety is vital. A family acting to support and shield someone from her perpetrator (or his) can make all the difference. You can try to understand the difficulty of the decision and her fear.

It’s important to not be in denial about the abuse. It can happen to anyone. There’s no race, creed or socioeconomic status that protects anyone from it. When there are children involved, it becomes very difficult to watch, and know how to help. She may need time to consider all her options, however, so there’s a fine balance between rushing in to save and waiting until she’s ready to face whatever fallout there might be from her leaving.

Click here for “Marriage Is Not For Chickens,” the new gift book by Dr. Margaret! It’s perfect for engagements, anniversaries, weddings, or for the person you love!

You can hear more about depression and many other topics by listening to Dr. Margaret’s new podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to her website and receive her weekly posts as well as her podcasts, plus Dr. Margaret’s eBook, “Seven Commandments of Good Therapy.”

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