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funerals

19 Practical Ways To Help When Someone Dies

How do you help when someone dies? We’ve all faced it or we will at some point. I never lost anyone close to me until I lost both of my parents in 2015. Talk about opening up a “big ol’ can of whoop-ass” on the emotions.

When you know someone who has had a death in the family, you feel such empathy for their loss. You want to do something. Some people are good at jumping in and figuring out something to do.

Others of us want to “do something” but we become paralyzed because we don’t know what to do. I confess that before I lost my parents, that was me a lot of the time. But what I came to realize is that any gesture, no matter how small, ministered to my heart in such a profound way. A kind word, a card, text, phone call or just showing up gave me comfort. So here are 19 Practical Ways To Help When Someone Dies.

19 Practical Ways to Help When Someone Dies

People will be coming. Either out of town guests for the funeral or friends who just stop by. Here are some things that your friends will need:

Paper goods – plates, napkins, cutlery, styrofoam coffee cups, plastic drinking cups, toilet paper, napkins, paper towels, garbage bags.
Canned soft drinks, bottled water, coffee.
Meals – Lots of times neighbors and friends show up pretty soon after a person dies with a cake or casserole and that it good. But if you can coordinate meals through a service like Take Them A Meal, you can communicate with those who want to help the family’s special dietary needs, preferences and drop-off arrangements. Taking care of all of these details is so appreciated.

Transportation:

Drive your friend to the funeral home when she has to make funeral arrangements.
Pick up out of town guests at the airport.
Drive out of town guests or elderly family members to and from the funeral.
Take kids to and from school.

Funeral arrangements – We planned what I consider your basic, standard funeral for my parents. Nice, but nothing that I would consider elaborate. Yet, there was still a lot to do at a time when I didn’t feel like doing anything. Here are some areas where you may be able to help:

Video presentation – At many funerals, there is some kind of video presentation showing pictures of the deceased. This is a lovely way to honor them and share beautiful memories with all who attend. But getting all those pictures together in one spot, scanning those that need to be scanned and sending them to the funeral home takes a long time. Ask if you can help with that.
Help them locate and download the music they want for the presentation.
Take things that will be needed to the funeral home for them. Clothes for the deceased. Any memorabilia that they will display. We had a big portrait of each of my parents. And for my Dad, we had lots of stuff to display from his time in the military and his years of service as a policeman.
Help them get the word out about the funeral arrangements to those who need to know.

The Funeral

If an honorarium will be paid to the minister or musicians, get that from your friend and see that it is given to the appropriate person.
After the funeral, gather the pictures and memorabilia, flag, guest book – anything that was brought to the funeral home that needs to be returned and deliver it to the family.
Gather any flowers or plants the family wants to keep and deliver those to them. You may need to get several friends to help you with that.

After The Funeral

If the deceased has been living in assisted living or nursing home, the family only has a certain amount of time to collect their belongings. Get boxes and offer to go and help pack things up.
If it is a situation where there is a deep financial need, set up a fundraising campaign on a site like Go Fund Me.
Call on a regular basis, especially on those first holidays and anniversaries.
Send a card.
Send a handwritten note with a memory of the person’s loved one. If it’s someone you have a picture of, send that too. When we lose someone, we still want to talk about them and know that others remember them too.

The important thing in helping someone who has suffered the loss of a loved one is to “anticipate, don’t ask”, according to grief counselor, Megan Devine (refugeingrief.com).

Do not say “Call me if you need anything,” because your friend will not call. Not because they do not need, but because identifying a need, figuring out who might fill that need, and then making a phone call to ask is light years beyond their energy levels, capacity or interest. Instead, make concrete offers: “I will be there at 4 p.m. on Thursday to bring your recycling to the curb,” or “I will stop by each morning on my way to work and give the dog a quick walk.” Be reliable. – How to Help a Grieving Friend – 11 Things to Do When You’re Not Sure What to Do by Megan Devine

I remember the most thoughtful thing my good friends did for me after my dad died. They gave me a gift card for a spa day. You see, my mom had a stroke in January and died in February. My dad broke his hip in July and died in September. Most days during those 9 months were spent in hospitals, rehabs and assisted living with them. I don’t regret a moment I spent with my parents, but when it was all over, I was tired. That gift card to the spa said to me “We see you. We see what you’ve been going through. Here is something to help you take care of you.”

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How To Talk To Your Parents About Their Funeral Arrangements

Have you thought about how to talk to your parents about their funeral arrangements?

Although we don’t like to think about it, most of us will be charged with the task of planning a funeral for our parents. And it’s safe to say that we want to honor their wishes as to what happens after they die.

How To Talk To Your Parents About Their Funeral Arrangments

*Disclosure: Some of the items in this post are affiliate links and link to Amazon.com. If you purchase any of these products through the links, I receive a small commission. There is no extra charge to you for purchasing through my affiliate links.

Funeral Arrangements – Questions to Ask

There are many questions to ask.

Do you want to be buried or cremated?
If cremated, where do you want your ashes placed or buried?
What type of funeral or memorial service would you prefer?
What special music would you like?
Any special poems or Scriptures that you would like to be read?
Do you want flowers? If so, what kind?
In lieu of flowers, is there a particular organization that people may contribute to instead?

–Partial list taken from The Dutiful Daughter’s Guide to Caregiving: A Practical Memoir

The only information that I received from my parents was that their funeral was bought and paid for. When the time came, what that really meant was that they had purchased funeral plots, a casket and a few other essentials, but that was about it. The rest of the planning was up to my sister and me. Don’t get me wrong – the plans they made in advance were great. Since they bought plots in the 1960’s and paid for some of the other funeral costs in the 80’s, we saved a tremendous amount of money. And any decision that they made ahead of time was one we didn’t have to make in a time of sadness and distress.

No doubt about it, knowing what your parents want before the time comes gives all involved great comfort and clarity. But how in the heck to you BRING IT UP?

Here are a few suggestions of ways you can break the ice and begin the conversation with your parents:

“Mom and Dad, I know this may be an uncomfortable topic, but would you be open to talking about your funeral service and some of the ways you wish to be remembered? When the time comes, I want to know that we are carrying out a ceremony that you want rather than stressing with one another over the details.”
Talk about your own pre-planning efforts as a way of breaking the ice and ask if they have any pre-arranged plans.
Ask about some of their favorite traditions and how your family will continue those traditions for generations to come before finding a natural transition to family traditions around funerals and what their wishes are.
Talk to them about the stress you have seen in other families where the parents’ wishes were not known ahead of time. Tell them you would like to know what they desire and how they want to be remembered, so that their family doesn’t undergo this type of stress.
If they have attended a funeral recently, ask about how that was conducted, what they thought about it and if they have thought about what type of funeral or memorial service they would like to have.

It is great if you can begin this conversation with them before they are ill or terminal.

As you open up these lines of communication about funeral arrangements:

Listen as much as you talk. They may have firm ideas about their plans or they may have not thought of it at all.

Give them time. If this is the first time you have ever discussed funeral plans, do not try to push everything on your parents all at once. They might need to take a few weeks to figure out what they want, or even to come to terms with the idea that funeral planning is something that needs to happen in the first place.

It’s no big secret that none of us are going to get out of here alive. You’d think this would be a natural conversation that all families would have. More often than not, it just isn’t. But it doesn’t have to be hard or difficult. The hardest part is just getting started.

This excerpt (Planning with Barbra Streisand’s help) from The Dutiful Daughter’s Guide to Caregiving: A Practical Memoir* by Judith Henry shows how the author broached the conversation with her mother. May all our conversations with our parents be this tender and full of joy!

The Dutiful Daughter’s Guide to Caregiving: A Practical Memoir* is a fabulous resource for those of you who are in the midst of caring for an aging parent.

Have you had “the talk” with your parents about their funeral arrangements? How did you bring it up? Or did they? Let me know in the comments!

Why the Resurrection Gives Me Hope

Why The Resurrection Gives Me Hope

Where O death is your victory? Where O death is your Sting? 1 Corinthians 15:55

As Easter approaches, this scripture keeps running through my mind.

You don’t get to this side of 50 without experiencing the sting of death. Some have experienced more of the sting than others. At the very least, a lot of us are losing parents and other loved ones of the generation before us. In some cases, we are losing our spouses and peers.

I lost both of my parents in 2015 – Mom in February and Dad in September. I am only just now beginning to feel the full impact of that loss. Death stings. Sometimes the sting is intense. It really hurts and can paralyze you. Sometimes, it’s just in the background, but constant. Either way, it’s painful.

I was blessed to have my parents with me for 57 years. And except for the last couple of months of their lives, they were blessed with good health.

On every other Easter that I can remember, my focus has been more on Good Friday. On the day that Jesus died a cruel, horrible death, which served as the sacrificial penalty for my sins. I am so grateful that He did that for me.

This year, my focus is on Sunday morning. The Resurrection. When Jesus overcame death and came back to life to live forever.

The Resurrection gives me hope that death is not the end. For those who have accepted Jesus’ sacrifice for their sins, we can be sure that when our time on this earth is over, it is not the end. When our loved ones’ time on this earth is over, it is not the end. There is a resurrection. There is life beyond what we experience in this world. There will be a time when death will no longer sting because we will be alive and live with Jesus forever.

“Where O death is your victory? Where O death is your sting?”

While the sting is real in the here and now, having the confidence that it is only for a little while gives me hope and comfort.

Celebrating the Resurrection with all of you and remembering my Mom & Dad.

Cathy

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