Have you thought about how to talk to your parents about their funeral arrangements?
Although we don’t like to think about it, most of us will be charged with the task of planning a funeral for our parents. And it’s safe to say that we want to honor their wishes as to what happens after they die. 
How To Talk To Your Parents About Their Funeral Arrangments
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Funeral Arrangements – Questions to Ask
There are many questions to ask.
- Do you want to be buried or cremated?
- If cremated, where do you want your ashes placed or buried?
- What type of funeral or memorial service would you prefer?
- What special music would you like?
- Any special poems or Scriptures that you would like to be read?
- Do you want flowers? If so, what kind?
- In lieu of flowers, is there a particular organization that people may contribute to instead?
–Partial list taken from The Dutiful Daughter’s Guide to Caregiving: A Practical Memoir
The only information that I received from my parents was that their funeral was bought and paid for. When the time came, what that really meant was that they had purchased funeral plots, a casket and a few other essentials, but that was about it. The rest of the planning was up to my sister and me. Don’t get me wrong – the plans they made in advance were great. Since they bought plots in the 1960’s and paid for some of the other funeral costs in the 80’s, we saved a tremendous amount of money. And any decision that they made ahead of time was one we didn’t have to make in a time of sadness and distress.
No doubt about it, knowing what your parents want before the time comes gives all involved great comfort and clarity. But how in the heck to you BRING IT UP?
Here are a few suggestions of ways you can break the ice and begin the conversation with your parents:
- “Mom and Dad, I know this may be an uncomfortable topic, but would you be open to talking about your funeral service and some of the ways you wish to be remembered? When the time comes, I want to know that we are carrying out a ceremony that you want rather than stressing with one another over the details.”
- Talk about your own pre-planning efforts as a way of breaking the ice and ask if they have any pre-arranged plans.
- Ask about some of their favorite traditions and how your family will continue those traditions for generations to come before finding a natural transition to family traditions around funerals and what their wishes are.
- Talk to them about the stress you have seen in other families where the parents’ wishes were not known ahead of time. Tell them you would like to know what they desire and how they want to be remembered, so that their family doesn’t undergo this type of stress.
- If they have attended a funeral recently, ask about how that was conducted, what they thought about it and if they have thought about what type of funeral or memorial service they would like to have.
It is great if you can begin this conversation with them before they are ill or terminal.
As you open up these lines of communication about funeral arrangements:
Listen as much as you talk. They may have firm ideas about their plans or they may have not thought of it at all.
Give them time. If this is the first time you have ever discussed funeral plans, do not try to push everything on your parents all at once. They might need to take a few weeks to figure out what they want, or even to come to terms with the idea that funeral planning is something that needs to happen in the first place.
It’s no big secret that none of us are going to get out of here alive. You’d think this would be a natural conversation that all families would have. More often than not, it just isn’t. But it doesn’t have to be hard or difficult. The hardest part is just getting started.
This excerpt (Planning with Barbra Streisand’s help) from The Dutiful Daughter’s Guide to Caregiving: A Practical Memoir* by Judith Henry shows how the author broached the conversation with her mother. May all our conversations with our parents be this tender and full of joy!
The Dutiful Daughter’s Guide to Caregiving: A Practical Memoir* is a fabulous resource for those of you who are in the midst of caring for an aging parent.
Have you had “the talk” with your parents about their funeral arrangements? How did you bring it up? Or did they? Let me know in the comments!
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I’m on the receiving end of the potential “arrangement” conversation. I’ve broached the subject of medical care if I can’t make my own decisions–my kids had tons of very specific questions, trying to figure out exactly what I would or would not want. Haven’t gone the funeral route yet. But a friend who died recently after a two-year illness left behind a folder marked: My Funeral.” In each she detailed what she wanted and even who should supply some things [like flowers]. So even if we don’t have the conversation with our grown children, we can leave them word about… Read more »
That’s right. And I’m glad you are having the conversation about medical arrangements as well. We had that with ours and they were like you, wanted to know specifics.
My mom and step-dad had taken care of their plans long before she got sick. So yes, it made my job that much easier especially with how distressing the situation was. She Eve planned the service she wanted. Excellent tips here.
That was a blessing, as you well know!
Shockingly, my parents just started this conversation with me last weekend. I cried, of course, but I’m grateful to them for being the ones to bring it up.
Lois – that was an act of love on their part. They are taking care of you by doing this. Good parents.
My mum and I talk about this occasionally – not in a deeply serious way yet but having casual conversations will make it easier down the track. My in-laws have a pre-paid funeral and I’m leaving their arrangements to my husband’s side of the family.
You are right, Leanne – at least it’s an open topic between the two of you. When you get ready to put pen to paper and get her wishes down, it won’t be as awkward.
How true. On the other hand, we need to make our OWN needs known, too, for our own plans. And let people know about them.
You are so right, Carol. We are working on that with our kids now.
Wow. I guess I just took our family chatter for granted….all of this was covered when we were kids! Mom died 3 years ago, and we still haven’t had a memorial…we had to cancel it as my husband was in a coma! She is still in our living room. BUT. A friend of mine said, don’t worry about it, Tam. As long as she can drive you crazy she is happy.
Yes, Tam. A topic so many have difficulty talking about! You were blessed to have had that discussion when you were kids.
I know the topic sucks but it is so frustrating because my mom will not talk at all about this. I don’t care if she wants to keep it to herself even just let me know she has put it down somewhere. I think it would ease my mind if she actually have a home church or something.
Shelly – I know exactly how you feel. All we could get my mom to say is that their funeral was bought and paid for and that all her financial information was “in a notebook on her desk”. Well, we did have a notebook with passwords, but few of them were up to date so it took a long time to sort things out after she died. All we can do is try.
It makes me feel like a horrible daughter (and human being) but I’m thankful I have older siblings who discuss such things with my mother and I’m off the hook a bit because of them. I don’t envy anyone who must handle the arrangements as it was a very difficult affair when my stepdad died and my husband and I did most of the handholding and arranging with my mom. Important advice you offer here.
Lisa – NOBODY wants to broach this topic – you are not a horrible person. Be grateful that someone else is handling it this time. You’ve had your turn.
This is such an important–though purposely overlooked topic.
This is such an important topic. Thanks for sharing this info.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Estelle!
We currently care for my husband’s parents both 90 this year. They have already planned their funerals and where they will be buried! Surprisingly it is a subject my husband and I have never really discussed about what we want in the future. You have encouraged me to discuss the subject. Thanks Cathy.
What a gift they have given you. And yes – we are in the process of doing the same for our kids. Thanks for reading and commenting, Sue!
it is a really tough discussion to have but is very important. I had it with my grandmother before she passed away and so I knew exactly what her wishes were. Not easy to have but really crucial.
Hi Cathy,
Great to see you here at the Pit Stop. My dad is gone, and my brother planned my mom’s.
Thanks for bringing your post to the Pit Stop last week.
Janice, Pit Stop Crew
Hi Cathy,
My dad is gone, and my brother planned my mom’s.
Thanks for bringing your post to the Pit Stop last week.
Janice, Pit Stop Crew
Cathy, what a hard topic. I know that I need to have this conversation with my parents, I just don’t wanna! LOL But it would be great to know that we are honoring them and their wishes, it will be the last time we can do so. Thanks for the list of questions, it will help me when I approach them. It needs to be done and you tackled the subject brilliantly!
I thought this was actually a pretty good list of questions to ask parents when you’re trying to plan for a funeral. There’s a lot of things in it that I wouldn’t have necessarily thought to ask about, which is always a good help. My parents are definitely starting to get to that point where they probably should be addressing these type of questions, so thanks for giving me a good place to start with them.
Tobias, thanks so much for reading my post. I’m glad that you found it helpful and found some good questions to start with.
I’m trying to get my parents funeral and everything planned in advance. Thanks for the advice about listening as much as you talk. Now I just need to get professional help for my parents so that we can have everything in order.
Sarah – glad you found the post helpful. I think enlisting professional help is a wise idea.
It was really helpful almost 2 years ago we had a family meeting about my parents retirement and money and care-giving needs. Very helpful to have these conversations. I have been very open with my husband that I want to be planted into a tree when I die. Have you seen those burial trees?
Kellie – I haven’t heard of burial trees! Glad you have had the conversation with your family!
Such an important topic Cathy which I have been thinking more about since my father-in-law passed away in June. I’ve changed my mind on what I want my funeral and burial to be so I’m going to write it out for my husband and family. It is such an emotional time and an added burden that family left behind don’t need. Thanks for sharing some practical and helpful tips and Over the Moon.
So true. Those of us who have been through the death of a loved one recently have a whole new perspective, don’t we?
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My husband and I have to do this with our son, too – he is seeing how we are struggling with his grandmother and many of these questions have to be in his mind, too.
This is such great advice and completely spot on (I say that as the daughter of a funeral director). Sharing this in a roundup post to publish on 9-23-17
Cathy, this is such a great and tricky topic. My parents are getting older and I know these types of discussions need to happen. I keep pushing away, but your article helped me to realize that wasn’t wise. Thank you.
Whitney, it is so hard. Hopefully these suggestions will help you get the conversation going.
I want to talk to my mom about her funeral plans, but like you said it can be hard to bring it up. I’m sure having a plan before she passes will give me so much comfort, like you also mentioned. I like your suggestion of asking about some of their favorite traditions and then using those in their funeral. Asking about funerals they’ve gone to and liked how they were conducted is a great tip too.
Gary – It is a difficult subject to broach for sure! Thanks for reading and commenting!
I’ve been reading about the importance of pre-planning funeral arrangements, and it’s something I’ve wanted to talk to my parents about. I like how you pointed out in your article that talking about my own plans can help break the ice for my parents to start talking about theirs. I’ll try this tactic so my parents can put a plan together if they haven’t already.
Raymond, glad you found the post helpful. It’s a tough topic to discuss for sure!
Great tips! I always try to avoid end-of-life discussions because I’m afraid of the truth – that we can’t really live forever. I tried to shake these things off my mind because I’m not yet ready to face reality. I also don’t know where I should start.
It is a tough subject to start and I haven’t done that great of a job myself. But it’s something we should definitely try to do.